Kalpak NB
No matter how modern and progressive you pretend to be, if you are Indian, marriage will always occupy a special place in your heart, like cholesterol.
With the onset of November befalls upon this wretched nationwide season of intense dancing, partying, mating and dowry, more popularly known as the ‘Wedding Season’.
Back in the day, I used to love attending weddings for the food, which is why I was very selective of the weddings I would accompany my parents with. I would jumpingly await a Gujju or Punjabi wedding, and I would be as unaffected and nonchalant about an upcoming South Indian or Maharashtrian wedding as Bhakts to Saffron Criticism.
But today, it is nearly impossible to distinguish one wedding from another, because Dear Ol’ Bollywood has single-handedly neutralized all the varied customs and flavours of the celebrations of every individual caste, resulting in all wedding celebrations feel like they were made by Rajshri Productions.
Here’s how the flow of events transpires with me for any wedding function (a.k.a reception):
- Receive a wedding invitation and moan out the agony of having to get dressed, step out of the house and socialize with humans after few weeks, loud enough for the groom and bride to hopefully pick up.
- Eat oats and fruits in the morning in place of poha/upma, because I want to look good at the said wedding. End the same day with three samosas as dinner appetizers.
- Be very careful not to mention about the said upcoming wedding to my parents, in order to avoid a possible ‘now you should also start planning beta’ interrogation, which is generally followed by ‘tell us if there is someone in your life’ embarrassment.
- Fantasise about meeting someone at the wedding and making out with them in your car post the function. (Lol)
- Plan to shop for a new kurta for the event. End up wearing the same kurta you wore for the groom’s elder brother’s wedding three years ago hoping they wouldn’t notice because you are a wonderful executioner of plans.
- Reach the wedding destination and desperately try to find your friends in the crowd, looking like a lost dog in the process.
- Realise you forgot to bring a gift, and also realize you are too lazy to go out and hunt for a stationery shop from where you can get a fancy envelope. Eventually, convince a female friend to let her add your name on her envelope.
- Watch the bride and groom in the most awkward moments of their life. Wave at the groom with a smile while trying to get out the mental image of them banging it out that night.
- Play a mental game of ‘Fuck/ Marry/ I’ll let her blow me’ in your head with all the female attendees at the function.
- Decide with your friends that you will go up at the stage once the queue is shorter. Find out later about the ancient myth that every person stepping up on the stage from the queue leads to two new people being added at the back.
- Hug the groom tight on the stage while congratulating him for his wedding. Crack lame funny comments. Experience sexual tension with the bride when you both are split between choosing to shake hands or hug.
- Wait in line with an empty plate in hand. Suppress all comments in your head which compare the wedding meal system to prison lunch.
- Realize your plate got filled with the first five items, and there are twenty-two more to go. Make a mental note to write a hateful article on the big scam that marriage catering in India is.
- Leave the wedding promising your friends to stay in touch. Never see their face till the next person’s wedding.
I usually look at weddings the same way I look at couples fighting in public – it’s fun as long as it is happening to someone else. And with the latest series of back-to-back Bollywood weddings, the bug has bitten many yet again, and how!
In fact, reading about Ranveer and Deepika’s wedding even got my emotions stirred for a moment there. They got married in Italy, and that is one place I have always wanted to visit. So yeah the traveller in me got very emotional at the news.
Let’s just hope my mother’s endless prayers of seeing me happily married to a lovely girl, and my endless prayers of seeing myself happily married to someone who shares my libido, both get fulfilled someday. Till then, I am glad to live by the Webster dictionary’s definition of a wedding – the process of removing weeds from one’s garden.
Entrepreneur, stand-up comedian,
corporate guy and a writer/poet,
Kalpak is a proud kitty attack survivor.
